I’m swear I am going to go crazy and have a big meltdown soon. Recently my girlfriend has been distancing herself more and more, to the point now where she doesn’t touch when, look at me, kiss me or want to sleep with me. There are so many issues surrounding the whole scenario and far to much to go into great depth with but I am litterally stuck now and so I’m writing on my blog to see if it helps. She’s 25 weeks pregnant now, so I guess her mood swings and hormones are still all over the place but her lack of commitment to our relationship really concerns me. She told me tonight that she doesn’t want us to move in together and she just wants her house for her daughter and she wants me to stay maybe 3 nights and have our new baby for one night during the week at mine. I’m dead against this – I’m a romantic, loving, loyal and faithful man. I have time for everyone and love her eternally but this commitment issue is confusing me and getting me down. I’ve told her that I will provide for her, give her my everything- she is my world. But she a builds a huge wall up around her and will not listen to any reasoning. She just shouts and gets angry. Her a daughter and I are close and that’s amazing but she resents me for that and sees it as a negative thing instead of a positive. She let’s her daughter sleep with her (shes 5) so she doesn’t have to sleep with me and that breaks my heart. I love them both but she’s using her daughter as a reason behind her not wanting to sleep with Mr. It’s not just about that though. She does not want to spend time with me – even though I want too… we both work shifts and so we don’t spend 24/7 time together… which is healthy and I understand that but there is no time for myself and her alone – or if there is she makes some excuse. I live approx 15 miles away so when an opportunity arrives to spend time together on occasion, I obviously want to spend that time with her.. she then says I’m rushing to see her. I litterally cannot win. Everything I do causes a problem for her, she says I want to argue with her all the time and she’s suck of it. Let me get that straight.. I do not argue or want to start arguing – I’m trying to relay my feelings and she sees that as wanting to start an argument. I want us to be a family, live together but she says she wants her own space. How can I get my point across hat she will have space? We both work.. I’m not taking over… I love her and respect her too much but she treats me like dirt and I can’t handle it.
All I want is for us to be happy, I’m happy when I’m with her… she’s happy when I’m not with her…..
I’ve asked her bluntly if she wants the relationship between us to continue and if she loves me to which she’s said yes… bit she continues to treat me like her lapdog when it’s convenient for her… I’ve told her that it’s hurting my feelings but she just says I’m wanting to argue..
I litterally have no more words.. I’m heartbroken but I’m not the kind of person to just give up. I will never give up on something or someone I’m passionate about.
I feel better for writing but her narcissistic behaviour really pisses me off.
Granted, it’s been far too long since my last post. I’ve has some amazing times over the last year – I met a girl. She has made me so happy – she’s funny and things have been going great. I really believe that I have found my soul mate and believe that one day we’ll get married. Nothings ever simple with me though – nothing at all. Maybe I’m too old fashioned but I just feel deeply that all I put in is not going anywhere and I’m just going backwards or being pushed away. Why do I feel like this? Why am I so frustrated and still feel so isolated and lonely – even though we are a couple. I try and work it out in my brain….. I try and ask myself what am I doing wrong and also I see is nothing. We used to be full of enthusiasm about things, she used to kiss me and hold me- she used to cuddle up to me in bed. I just get a gut wrenching feeling that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and I’m utterly heartbroken. When I bring things up she gets angry and shouts – she then swears at me and compares me to her ex.. I think this hurts more than anything as her ex is a real prick. Her daughter I see as my own and her daughter constantly talkes about me. To the point where I my girlfriend resents me for this. She hates it when her daughter comes to me to help her with things or gets on the sofa to cuddle. Now my girlfriend doesn’t want me to stay. She doesn’t kiss me, hold me or when in bed lies with a pillow in the middle of us because it’s ‘more comfy’ we haven’t made love for about 2 months. Even though I ask for it – she doesn’t want it. She’s not in the mood. I told her that it feels like she’s pushing me away and she just says “well end it then”
She says I stay too much, I’m constantly around her but to be honest I don’t feel that I am… I work, we’ve just been away on vacation and didn’t have sex, she argued with me and it made the holiday mediocre… it could have been great.
I’m putting it down to one thing – and that’s her hormones.. she’s pregnant. But I also think that she’s using this as an excuse. I’ve read up on lots and I’ve been through it twice before. Yes it makes you moody and hormonal. I’m a man I can deal with this… but it doesn’t stop you loving someone.
I just don’t know what to do? My heart bleeds for her…. I’ve tried talking to her to tell her how I’m feeling. I’ve tried to talk to her and find out how she is feeling.
I just feel like I’m drowning, I’m lonely and it shouldn’t be like this…
It’s somewhere I usually place my heart,
It’s becoming more colourful with time
It hurts to get your elbow tattood
So here is a sketch of my latest addition…..
Mid April is the date set for the next pain session
I love pencils and charcoal.
I love the way the negative looks ghostly.
Been a few days since I’ve last blogged – so I guess I’d better make a conscious effort to write. I’ve not been doing much really, only feels like endless work but I’m nearing the end of my shifts now and then I’ve a few days leave before being back in work on Christmas Eve. I’ve been happier this week, it makes such a difference to me being able to smile, laugh and talk to people. It kind of makes me feel some normality and happiness in my life. My home life is still the same – solstice, drawing and music mainly – I’ve not been out taking any pictures for a while so I’m going to try and get some before work tomorrow.
It’s past 4am here – the dull glow from tinted computer screens are giving some me low ambient light. The main lights are off – I’m listening to pink Floyd and the current track is ‘shine on you crazy diamond’
It takes me to a happy place – I know the few people close to me are getting back to some kind of normality too, the music refreshes my soul (If we even have a soul) and hopefully next year will be an amazing year…
As Christmas draws closer – I see people decorating trees, becoming more festive and being close to families. I generally don’t like Christmas much – it’s always a sad time for me. Mainly because I’m not around my girls, seeing their delights even though they’re getting wise to things. I still miss it. I don’t decorate my flat or even get a tree… I have no gifts to put under it… so fail to see any point.
I haven’t had a gift for years – my parents usually give me some money and I generally have everything I need or want anyway. I am thoughtful with the gifts I buy though… even though, I only buy for my parents and my girls.
I guess the message is clear – to love someone is the greatest gift, if that love is true heartfelt love… it’s the greatest gift of all – far better than any materialistic things. Love can be given in different ways, it’s not necessarily about romance and closeness to someone…. love can be for a friend, or a relative… it doesn’t mean you want to kiss them, hug them… just perhaps that they are in your thoughts.
I’m working all day Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year… for the last three years they’ve been normal days – just as this year is going to be.
But even if I wasn’t working – it would be a normal day.
I’ll try and get out and photograph something tomorrow night.
Time to crack out charcoal
I’ve been on the beach again – it was windy –
Out of 100+ photos, I’ve quickly edited a couple.
A little too windy for astrophotography
It was raining last night, not too hard but just enough to get you wet – still I ventured out to capture some images. My thoughts helped me although I know that I would have liked to talk and have some interaction. I haven’t moved much today, my curtains are still closed but I did manage to pay a utility bill and purchased two cards. One of them was ‘I saw this and thought of you’ moment – so it was compulsory to buy. The second was a birthday card –
I sent screens of these images to my friend I hope she can find some solstice. I want to bring her back out of her shell and have the opportunity to be a friend to her – as much as she’s been a friend to me.
Here are the mastered images from last night – hopefully I’ll find some motivation for tonight
I really don’t know what I’ve done
I can’t work it out
I’m feeling absolutely gutted
I really feel empty.
I miss the chatter
I miss the funny pictures
I miss the….
My view for 90% of my waking day today…..